The story of the “cracked pot”
Hi all, it’s the end (or coming to the end) of many fall sports seasons. This is the time of year that my body and mind are so used to coming down off of the intense adrenaline of season and reflecting on whether it was a “success” or not. After so many years as an athlete and coach, it’s strange to not be in that rhythm anymore. I remember how hard it was for me as an athlete or coach to see the good things out of a season when the end felt like we fell short or missed team goals. I grew in that so much as a person and coach. Often the beauty of pursuing our goals is the actual journey. But so often perfectionism robs athletes and coaches from seeing this. I hear that in many of you as I chat with you about how the year has gone. I will share a story that I love processing with my clients who are facing feelings of failure on or off the field. It’s the story of the “Cracked Pot.”
There are disputes as to where the story originates. Some say it is a Chinese proverb, others say it comes from India. The version of the story I share here is: The Story of the Cracked Pot.
“A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. ‘I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.’
The bearer asked, ‘Why? What are you ashamed of?’
The pot replied, ‘For these past two years I am able to deliver only half of my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you don’t get full value for your efforts.’
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion, he said, ‘As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.’
As they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it somewhat. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, ‘Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.'”
When I was a younger athlete I truly believed leadership and influence were gained through the perfect performance. Get the result. My focus on being a great teammate and leader heaped pressure on myself in a lot of ways. As I walked through adult life, I started to experience various cracks — oh no, I’m not perfect! Even I had struggles. It was humbling when I was so often the strong one and hero. We all reach this at certain points in life. There are two ways it often goes: deep shame (having to wear a mask so no one sees how messy our life is and feeling constantly unworthy) or pervasive defensiveness (no one and nothing can get close to our cracks because we are going to live in a narrative that we have no flaws). Both ends of the spectrum are are very unhealthy and relationally destructive. Either to ourselves or others. They also hinder what athletes or coaches can do. We are either beholden to affirmation from others to counter our unworthiness, or mow people down who might expose our flaws.
I didn’t have a vocabulary for any of this until I was becoming a licensed counselor and also competing in my final year as a college athlete. I was in these two bizarrely different worlds. My time during the day as an athlete centered around perfection. Then when I reported to my counseling hours, I was working with people who came to me often “cracked” as a training counselor. Their vulnerability in our sessions allowed great work and growth to happen. We were so often able to see the collateral beauty along the path of brokenness in their life: the “flowers.” Less time was spent focused on how they “failed” in completing their purpose, goal, or task in life. Less effort went into hiding flaws and, as defensiveness melted away, relationships could flourish in a new way. Clients were able to shift to seeing how they achieved and experienced different “wins” along the journey that were often far more impactful and beautiful than what they originally set out to do. Cracks and all.
Athletics is in so many ways a black and white, outcome-based world. You “win” or you “lose,” right? You are “strong” or you are “weak,” right? I have found the answer is yes and no. There is a tension we can hold that is very healthy and doesn’t mean you lose your edge as a competitor. I’ll lose a few of you at this point (“that’s LOSER talk!”) but keep reading! Because you are exactly who needs to read this! I left college athletics because I felt the institutions and media were perpetuating an unreachable standard for many athletes and coaches. I was watching how fused performance in sport was to peoples’ identities. Much of athletics is falling short. Much of it is coping with failure. Much of the value of sport is in the journey itself, less in the destination. Athletes and coaches are also more than their sport. They are humans on a journey, sport being one aspect of life.
Sport is unique in that it exposes “cracks” in us consistently. You can’t outrun it. How many of us have felt like that pot? Will I ever be good enough? Am I a failure? Maybe you are wrestling with this right now? Your athlete friend next to you is getting all the publicity, playing time, and everything looks easy for him or her. Your coaching peer seems to have an easy career full of success and, despite all your hard work, the big career win eludes you and your group each year. Is something wrong with you? Are you behind? Are you a “bad” athlete or coach? Is someone a “good” coach, athlete, or teammate just because they deliver results?
I hope this story encourages you to see your path (and others’) differently. Notice, the cracked pot didn’t get fixed up to feel better :-) How often do we want to eliminate our flaws! We work tirelessly at it in athletics. Show no weakness! Yet, in acceptance of some of our limitations, shame and fear melt away. Who is to say which pot served the more “successful” purpose ultimately? To me, the unforeseen beauty along the paths of life are the most beautiful aspects of it. I could rattle off countless examples of this in my sports life. I had many storybook and fairytale seasons & personal achievements. In some ways though, I have grown the MOST from the ones where setbacks and shortcomings were exposed along the path. I also learned to value people around me (coaches and athletes), not for their perfection, but for every part of them. I found the teams I’ve coached or been on that performed the best, did this best: we knew each others’ shortcomings and embraced them so that we could step up for each other. We didn’t point fingers or weaponize them. Those seasons feel like magic.
I actively worked to cultivate this as a coach, like I planned and strategized our skill development. One of the activities I always cherished with the teams I coached was time we set aside to share authentically about ourselves in front of the group. One of the things players shared were the hardships they had faced. I can’t tell you how many times we were blown away by what someone had faced and triumphed over. Many times we had no idea. The vulnerability bred new respect. We always wrapped up the sharing time with the rest of us speaking encouragement into the person who had just shared. It’s awkward when you first start doing this. Verablizing the good face-to-face has gotten harder for athletes in the tech era. It also reveals how accustomed we are in athletics to giving and receiving criticism, and struggle to receive compliments. Yet in time, teammates often tearfully shared small memories or moments that their teammate had impacted them. Character and qualities were highlighted in the person by coaches and athletes that they often didn’t see in themselves. We started looking for the positive in each other. Noticing it. Honoring it. In teams with the ability to be authentic with each other it was incredibly powerful, even life-changing. So often as coaches we create environments that expose cracks. Yet through this exercise, we were able to give each other a picture of the “flowers” that a person brought into our life without even realizing it. Even in the midst of their flaws or shortcomings, we were able to redirect them to understand they meant so much more to us and we didn’t see them for their “flaws.”
In this season of life after college coaching, I get to do much more of highlighting the “flowers” and less exposing people’s “cracks.” It’s a beautiful part of working one-on-one with coaches and athletes on their mental wellness and identity outside of being a sports hero. The crippling weight of perfectionism and comparison drop off of clients’ shoulders and it is amazing. I get to watch their personal lives and careers soar as a result. It is up there with those miracle wins I worked for and experienced on the field. Very rarely those old tapes can play in my head from the perfectionism I had as a young athlete. Did I “quit” college coaching? Was my coaching career a “failure” because I didn’t win that ever-elusive championship? Am I a “bad” coach? Nope. Not in the least. The journey was exactly what was needed for me to be ready for this season of life. I’m in the spot I’m supposed to be at in every way. My cracks and all. And you know what, I hope you also have the peace of knowing…so are you. I hope you start seeing your flowers along the path. And maybe, just maybe, you will take the time after reading this to point out how someone being just who they are has brought beauty to your life that wouldn’t be there otherwise.
